Monday Musings-Parenting and Natural Consequences

You know, being a good mom is tough.   Really.  How do you REALLY teach, not exasperate, show your love and not drone on and on only to lose them in the first minute?  How do you do it?  Yes, we have the Bible.  I am not suggesting that  the Bible is not the end all be all in direction as to how to raise godly children.

But, you know what?  It's tough!  I love, adore, am blessed by, know they are a blessing, and on and on when it comes to my children.

But, I'm going to be honest with you all.  Yeah, I want you to think they are perfect, I'm the perfect mom, we have only perfect honor and obedience at my house....but...uhhh....I'd be lying.

Let me say this:  I am blessed.  My kids are amazing.  God has great plans for them, and I don't say that because I should.  I KNOW.  Really.  I do.

I really will one day tell you "My Story."  Yeah, it sounds so elusive, so mysterious...but, no.  I am blessed, and the Lord truly has worked and does work miracles in my life.  And, I believe ( and my mom has told me since I was 5) that my testimony is meant to spread.  But, that story is tough for me....so please....patience.


Back to the kids.  I believe the Lord set up consequences, and if we, as moms and dads, allow for these consequences, then our children will understand the natural effects of their choices.

So often we shield them...because we "love"them.  However, evaluate yourself.  Your daughter forgets to pack her dance bag (and you know because you saw her ballet and tap shoes in her closet.)  Do you remind her?  Be honest!  And, I'll be honest, too.  Do I remind MY daughter?  Well, no.  I don't.  Because I know that one day at dance unprepared will be all the consequence she needs! Because it is a NATURAL consequence  Notice, please!  I don't "ground" her, demean her, "rub it in", etc.  She will learn because LIFE provides lessons.

 Now, less you think I have it all together: (i.e. I DON'T!)

This weekend my kids failed to follow through on numerous, numerous "helps" in which I asked them to do.  Let me preface this by the following:

WAYS WE DEMEAN OUR CHILDREN AND HOW WE CAN EMPOWER THEM (good!) NOT ENABLE THEM (bad!):

1. NO ONE in this home does "Chores."
2. We ALL "HELP"-big dialectical difference- in this home.
3. It is not mom's "job" to clean the home.  
4. It is everyone's responsibility.
5. To give chores/things to do/whatever you may call it-without calling it what it is---HELPING our family have a clean home, a prepared evening, whatever!  is suggesting that they are our slaves and not our allies (no, our children-I don't believe- are our equals in terms of what the Bible would say of the parent-child relationship_but we are not their DICTATORS!  Evaluate what you are.)
6. We as parents are not here to DICTATE.  Do you?  We are not DICTATORS!!  If you feel you are ruling with an iron fist, dictating but not listening, choosing a consequence when a natural one would prevail if you'd let it...then you are dictating your child's life!  And, how does one learn from that!  One does not!!!!
7. They will grow up with no IDEA what living in the real world, wirh REAL consequences is like!
   
   Teach you children that they are important members of the family and they are needed!
8. There was a time when this was evident!-chop the wood, milk the cow, gather the eggs, work the fields, and on and on!  That time period for most of us has past.
9. But, don't eliminate your child's- or even your spouse's - knowledge that he or she is needed and necessary in this family. Because, they are! If they aren't it is YOU who is allowing /enabling this attitude/inaction.

I have so much more to say on this, but I'll stop for now.

HOW TO ENABLE (bad) YOUR CHILD AND DEMEAN THEM (an effect of enabling):

1. let them NOT do what you say when you say it because they say "they will do it soon" and you believe them. (For me, I am great with the kids doing what I ask of them within a timeframe, but my recent mistake was not following up on my requests and not allowing consequences when those consequences were there due to my kids' non-action.)
2. Asking them more than once because-now-you feel they have had long enough to do what you asked (which is how they help-it is not a CHORE or "YOU ARE A KID AND I SAID SO "kind of thing...but a "YOU ARE A MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY AND, AS SUCH, YOU ARE NEEDED..SO LET ME SHOW YOU HOW...")
3. You make them do their "chores."  (YEAH, I'M SAYING DON'T MAKE THEM DO THEIR CHORES!!! WHY?  BECAUSE THE VERY DENOTATION OF CHORE VOIDS THE CONNOTATIONS OF "HELPS' OR WHATEVER OTHER WORD YOU USE. I.e. "you are needed/important/uniquely you placed in a family that uniquely needs YOU!)  When you tell them to do a "chore"(vs. to be the helper they are meant to be I your home-and wording DOES make all the difference!) they lose the ability to learn to CHOOSE to help, to CHOOSE right, to CHOOSE to be a helpful member of the family because you MADE them...Yeah, those "chores" are done, but do your kids feel they are a valuable member of their family society because they did them?  If not, then you just enabled them to believe they are not important and that they are now ENTITLED to something(they aren't..so don't PAY them for goodness sajes!)you did not engage or empower them.  You did not let them realize THEIR WORTH!!!
4. You-and this is what I did this past weekend-ask for something to be done, allow yourself to become too busy with other things, do not check up on them (because we all should know -I should know- they are not at the point to be left without being "checked up on") and then, when you find, they a)half did what you said, b)1/100 did what you asked them to do ,c) didn't even BEGIN to do what you asked of them or d) some variation thereof....you become angry.   Sad.  Disappointed.  And on. And on. THEY MUST HAVE ACCOUNTABILITY.

So!  How To Teach Your Kids To Live a Life of Autonomous Choice that Aligns with God's Teachings:

1. Give Natural Consequences.
2. When you realize YOU messed up in your discipling, stop then and there.
3. Give consequences when you realize YOUR errors.
4. Don't back down!
5. They chose their actions. 
6. There are ALWAYS consequences for ANY action.  Teach them this by letting them suffer from THEIR choices.
7. Learn from YOUR mistakes.
8. Tell them you are sorry when you are wrong.
9. Walk away when you are angry!  IMPORTANT! DO NOT SPEAK IN ANGER! ( I tell my kids, "now is not the time.  I am angry, which is okay, but I don't want to act out of anger. Go to your room -or whatever.  I will speak to you when I calm down...)

There is so much more.  Pray about it.  Read His word.  And, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE your kids.  God gifted them to YOU!  It is not SUPPOSED to be all fun and games!  It is meant to be a BLESSING!

You are SUPPOSED to disciple.  Discipline!  Do you see how those words are derivatives?!- disciple and discipline?!!!! THINK ABOUT WHY THAT IS SO!  That is a HUGE, HUGE realization.

I love you guys...I love my kids.  I hope that my challenges with raising my sweet kids will help you raise yours.

Do you have anything you remind yourself of as you disciple you children?  Is there some advice that has always aided you?  I'd LOVE to hear!